Give... my word of the year check in.

So I was going to link back to my original word of the year post here... BUT I never wrote one! I think this is the first year for a while that I haven't and I'm a little surprised at myself... well kind of. I haven't had the best 6 months blogging... Lets quickly catch up and I shall share my word of 2015 formally here now!

I did announce my word on Instagram - which I'm relieved about as I really love this word and I'm glad it got a bit of a fuss at the beginning of the year - originally I wrote

"My word for 2015 is GIVE. And it feels so right and such a huge reminder to not close myself off or hide away with my fears. Its generous to others but also (and importantly) to myself... I want to give it my all in everything. I want to give up resentment (forGIVE) and I want to bend under pressure without breaking. Do you have a word for the year? I'd love to hear it!"

So where am I now with my word of the year?

To be honest, this word makes me emotional when I think about it. This year has been busy - in real life not blog life ha - I've been getting used to my new job and trying to work out a new blog schedule. We've been busy with friends (it's the year of babies, weddings, houses, 30th birthdays) and I've barely taken any photos using film at all. 

I'm really pleased to say that I have been giving it my all in real life though - it's been hard and exhausting, but I haven't held back or let myself be overwhelmed by fear and anxiety - and I'm really proud of myself for that. It's been tougher than I imagined in many ways but also very rewarding I'm glad to say. I've also been doing a lot of yoga and finally felt like I'm learning what 'give' means in yoga. I always thought that to relax your muscles you had to do something special - but I've come to understand that its about moving in such a way that you give your body more space somehow. Its not about 'not being tense' - its about giving yourself the space to be, to breathe and to let go of whatever it is that's causing the tension (sometimes thats more emotional than physical, I carry all my emotional shiz in my shoulders...) Every yoga session is a gift to myself and every time I do it, I'm so glad I did.

One unexpected result of the word give is the reminder to 'give myself a break'. I have a tendency to really beat myself up about things. Blogging is one of those things. My emotions, food, weight and exercise are others... especially when they're so important to depression recovery... but I'm learning to try and take a step back from those thoughts and give myself a break. It's ok to have bad days every so often.

So I have 6 months to continue on this track - to give myself the best year that I can. And I think I'll be OK- that I'll do it - I might need a big sleep in December to recover, but I think this year is going to be a good one. At least, I really hope so.

Have you got a word for the year? How have the last 6 months been for you?  Please do share!

My word of 2014

It's that time again - a new year means a new word (As in the past two years, the use of a word for the year is inspired by Susannah).

I tend to start thinking about my new word once it hits December, not too seriously, I just start to think up words I like, words that seem to follow on naturally from where I am. Words that sounds nice, feel nice, look nice... Normally I stumble on a word I like, but I don't love it. So then, I hit the thesaurus. Is it weird that a thesaurus is one of my favourite things? Words are so fascinating to me, the fact that two words can mean similar things but still not be quite right... the hunt for the right word as I follow links and hunches across the pages is exciting I think.

Anyway, I had fun looking for my word this year. I wanted it to be simpler (lets face it 'alleviate' for last year ended up being veerrry complicated) but I wanted it to still be a doing word - something that demands action. Positive action. All the time. I had good intentions with 'alleviate' last year and it was definitely a word I needed at the time - in fact I'm pretty sure I needed to go through all the complications to get to where I am now. And for that, I am oddly grateful... when you start to truly look at the bad things about yourself, the things you don't want to face, the good things start to jump out at you too - slower perhaps and harder to see definitely, but once you know that they are there, no one can take that away from you.

What I didn't expect from 'alleviate' is that it would be myself that I alleviated - a version of myself - one that I spent so long believing in and trusting to be a true version that I didn't even realise it was a shell I'd built around me - but that shell fully cracked and collapsed around me and at first, I felt like I was left with nothing.

But, I wasn't left with nothing. I was still there - hidden inside - I was (and still am) raw, I'm fumbling through the fallen pieces and trying to figure out which parts are really me - which parts I really want to be me. But now I have nothing to hide behind... no pretences, no half truths, no misconceptions... I just have me with no self imposed limits.

This is one of the reasons that I chose a positive word for 2014. I didn't want something to restrain my negativity, or to relieve myself of it - instead I wanted something to build my positivity - to take me away from any negativity all together. 

So, here it is, my word of 2014...

Ohhhh I have a good feeling about this word already - what do you think?

It seems simple - to infuse life, courage and spirit, but I can imagine its going to be a slog when I'm already facing an uphill climb. However saying that,  I am excited to see where this word is going to take me this year and where I will be this time in 12 months as well.

Have you chosen a word for this year?

Hello 2013! And my word of the year...

Hello 2013!!

I don't know about you, but I am ready for a new year and excited about it - our plans are already starting to come together for the next few months alone and I am excited about what the year brings... I was thinking about writing another 4 Simple Goals post... but really, my goals for this year are still the same as last years goals.

1. Get fitter and healthier and stay that way. (Still working on that one...) 2. Stop worrying so much. 3. Take too many photos.  (inspired by my friend Anna) 4. Be happy. Don’t try and be happy, just be happy.

However, my word for the year is different... and I think its a good one! My word for the year is...

alleviate

The definition is:  To make (something) easier to bear; lessen; relieve.

At first, I was quite surprised by my word as it seems like I'm starting in a negative place if I want to make things easier for myself (which I'm not) but after being considerate to myself for a year, it makes sense that I want to make little changes and hopefully ones that are for the better.

The thing I like about 'alleviate' too is that its a 'doing' word... If I have to make a decision where this word will help me, I'm probably going to have to actively do something to make it better and I like the idea of that too, rather than just thinking about things and being aware of them, I'm actually going to do something.

Also, why limit my word to just me right? Perhaps I can help make things easier for other people too...

I have a good feeling about 2013 already, how about you?

My 2012 word...

Yesterday Susannah Conway released her 2013 Unravelling workbook and after going through it last year and picking my word for 2012, I guess now is the time to reflect on how the year has been before I move forward into 2013.

My word for 2012 is/was considerate. I actually can't remember how I came upon this word, but it has always felt right. However, I can't decide if the year has come to suit the word, or if having the word meant that I had chosen to cope with whatever the year had to throw at me. And this year has thrown a lot at me.

Funnily enough, after reading through my original post about my word, I don't feel like I've really chosen where I want to be in 5-10 years time still, but in being considerate to myself, I've also come to realise that it doesn't matter any where near as much as I thought it did. A lot of the expectations for the next 5-10 years of my life don't actually come from me - they come from the people around me and what they think I should be doing (either directly about me, or in projecting where they think they will be in the future and expecting the same) and in realising that, I let them all go. And together, Thomas and I actually decided on a possible future that no one would have expected from us. And you know what, it feels like it could be the right thing to do. Scary perhaps, but right and in being 'considerate' with what's best for us, I'm actually much happier (and terrified haha)

It sounds simple saying 'I let them all go'. Letting go always sounds simple. But it wasn't and I don't let things go easily, in fact, I've mourned my 'losses' for a long time this year. And being 'considerate' to myself has been my crutch. I let myself sulk, mourn and cry because I know that I needed to. The good news though is that once I was done feeling bad about it all and getting it all out, I felt better. I remember once that someone told me, 'in order to clean a room, sometimes it needs to get dirty first...' and I think the same process seems to apply to me looking after myself and getting myself to where I need to be. Hopefully the dirty part is over though...

One thing I've made a 'considerate' effort to let go of is my worries... and the best thing I found to help me was this video from Marie Forleo about 'Dealing with being overwhelmed'. It might have even been a link from Susannah actually, but I've watched it once a week ever since I first saw it and it has worked. The first time I did it, I wrote out two full sides of A4, with no gaps, it just fell out of me through my pen. And then I crossed out 3/4's of it. Sure, those worries have crept back every week but the more I cross them out, the less important they seem.

Writing this post, it seems weird that one word has helped me so much with a year. That one word has helped me look at myself and realise that I like who I am and that I always have done. It has made me realise that a lot of things are out of my control and it is OK to let those things go. It has held me up through the unexpected and painful and its guided me through a lot of decisions. I guess part of me must have known that I needed to take some time to look after myself, though I didn't realise I needed a whole year.

I'm actually pretty nervous about choosing my 2013 word now (I have no idea what it will be yet) as the impact of 2012's word has been so huge, but at the same time, I'm ready to move forward and take that word on too.